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It's been a really tough year in 2014, it was probably the first time my depressive state/self has taken over my entire being and cause me to lose control of my life. The worst part is that you feel EVEN more depressed when you realised you've wrecked your life. Such is the destructive consequence of the downward spiral cycle. I'm not too sure whether it was the period of time when my self-destruction occured, but I'm still dreading school and I (honestly) can't wait for school to finish (but I fucked up and delayed my own graduation, sigh), although that would mean #quarterlifecrisis and I probably will have more responsibilities and things to care about as an adult in the (very) near future. My emotional and psychological state seems to be in a better state now, at least I've kinda got over some of the recent triggers. But school's still my largest trigger and I really hope I can manage it well and not mess up anymore till I kiss goodbye from education. Family's not in a really good state now, dad's been having (tons of) financial loss in his business, and now he'd moved on to another business, but the downside is that he's no longer getting his own salary and his salary now depended on the amount of commission he could get. And the thing is that tertiary education is really expensive so that doesn't look good for the family's financial status. So many things to worry about – can I make enough money in time to help contribute to the family's finances? What if something bad happens to my dad's new job, or even worse, to him? Sigh. I gotta spend less money now, since I have to also pay for my extra school fees next year, and consider about my future emergency savings.
Well, here's to 2015!
2014 might have been my worst year of fuck-ups, but I've definitely met wonderful and amazing people who taught me how to be a better person, care more, love more and open my perspectives to things I've never been exposed to! It's also last year that I was particularly more open to trying new substances *coughs* and let's just say they have been really rad experiences ;) This year has also been a really wild romance ride, while it didn't end off on a good note at all, but this relationship has shown me so much more fun and YOLO-ness to life; that really, in the end you'll just be as ridiculous and as silly, basically as YOURSELF as possible in a relationship. and well, we're only young once, so we just gotta be doing crazy things before we grow up and we won't have the chance to be free and wild anymore! And i'm definitely glad to have met someone whom I could connect to more in terms of mental disorders/illnesses and it has been easier for me to confide as well as for myself to understand him when things go wrong and I need to comfort him. I've become more understanding and mature in this relationship, and I gotta give credit to the last one which has made me grown and changed my mentality when it comes to an intimate romantic relationship with your significant other. Of which I've passed my advice to my recent ex-love and he've learnt too!  I really hope I'll be a better being in 2015, and that I'll be able to understand and love myself more. Also... not to get too love-drunk and learn to develop on my own character and skills first! Though I really hope for true love to come soon, someone who will really drown me in empathetic and relentless love, be supportive (super important!!!!!!), kind, loves cats/pugs (!!!!) and most importantly, love his family and mine too! I'll just be so grateful and I hope I'll be the same, if not better, person I wish for to be in my life forever. But true love waits, and I'll be here waiting. I'm a little too tired to chase after love for now, and who knows, the most unexpected things come when you're least focused about it >:) It is probably my longest rant and post to date, but HEY I'll be looking back and read about all these crap and learnt how much I've grown over the years. I'm not looking forward to hitting the big 2 though >:( I'M GONNA BE OLD. AND AN ADULT SOON IN ANOTHER YEAR. OH MY GOODNESS. Alright, enough with this before I can start writing an essay about my throwbacks and whatnot. GOOD LUCK WITH 2015. P.S. I hope to get more high this year >:)  |