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It's been a really tough year in 2014, it was probably the first time my depressive state/self has taken over my entire being and cause me to lose control of my life. The worst part is that you feel EVEN more depressed when you realised you've wrecked your life. Such is the destructive consequence of the downward spiral cycle. I'm not too sure whether it was the period of time when my self-destruction occured, but I'm still dreading school and I (honestly) can't wait for school to finish (but I fucked up and delayed my own graduation, sigh), although that would mean #quarterlifecrisis and I probably will have more responsibilities and things to care about as an adult in the (very) near future. My emotional and psychological state seems to be in a better state now, at least I've kinda got over some of the recent triggers. But school's still my largest trigger and I really hope I can manage it well and not mess up anymore till I kiss goodbye from education. Family's not in a really good state now, dad's been having (tons of) financial loss in his business, and now he'd moved on to another business, but the downside is that he's no longer getting his own salary and his salary now depended on the amount of commission he could get. And the thing is that tertiary education is really expensive so that doesn't look good for the family's financial status. So many things to worry about – can I make enough money in time to help contribute to the family's finances? What if something bad happens to my dad's new job, or even worse, to him? Sigh. I gotta spend less money now, since I have to also pay for my extra school fees next year, and consider about my future emergency savings.
Well, here's to 2015!
2014 might have been my worst year of fuck-ups, but I've definitely met wonderful and amazing people who taught me how to be a better person, care more, love more and open my perspectives to things I've never been exposed to! It's also last year that I was particularly more open to trying new substances *coughs* and let's just say they have been really rad experiences ;) This year has also been a really wild romance ride, while it didn't end off on a good note at all, but this relationship has shown me so much more fun and YOLO-ness to life; that really, in the end you'll just be as ridiculous and as silly, basically as YOURSELF as possible in a relationship. and well, we're only young once, so we just gotta be doing crazy things before we grow up and we won't have the chance to be free and wild anymore! And i'm definitely glad to have met someone whom I could connect to more in terms of mental disorders/illnesses and it has been easier for me to confide as well as for myself to understand him when things go wrong and I need to comfort him. I've become more understanding and mature in this relationship, and I gotta give credit to the last one which has made me grown and changed my mentality when it comes to an intimate romantic relationship with your significant other. Of which I've passed my advice to my recent ex-love and he've learnt too!  I really hope I'll be a better being in 2015, and that I'll be able to understand and love myself more. Also... not to get too love-drunk and learn to develop on my own character and skills first! Though I really hope for true love to come soon, someone who will really drown me in empathetic and relentless love, be supportive (super important!!!!!!), kind, loves cats/pugs (!!!!) and most importantly, love his family and mine too! I'll just be so grateful and I hope I'll be the same, if not better, person I wish for to be in my life forever. But true love waits, and I'll be here waiting. I'm a little too tired to chase after love for now, and who knows, the most unexpected things come when you're least focused about it >:) It is probably my longest rant and post to date, but HEY I'll be looking back and read about all these crap and learnt how much I've grown over the years. I'm not looking forward to hitting the big 2 though >:( I'M GONNA BE OLD. AND AN ADULT SOON IN ANOTHER YEAR. OH MY GOODNESS. Alright, enough with this before I can start writing an essay about my throwbacks and whatnot. GOOD LUCK WITH 2015. P.S. I hope to get more high this year >:)  "goodbyes are a bullet to the throat, a punch in the guts. but the air of silence just reeks of a pathetic stench." My head and heart needs to stop having this fucked up conflict before I shut all of them down. for realzies. It's close to the end of 2014, and I have not made any plans to further my social interactions and enjoy a frolic life from the eve of 2015 to the very first seconds of (yet) another new year. 我可能老了。 已经不习惯过着青春玩闹的生活， 已经不习惯和朋友们深谈心事， 已经不习惯有人陪去逛街， 已经不习惯认识新的人， 已经不习惯全家一起出去吃顿餐。 老了，也累了。 好想好想把一切放下来，不要被情绪折磨，不要被别人鄙视，不要承担压力。 无忧，真爽。 But then again, it might just me overthinking and amplifying shit up. Gotta learn to be less emotionally attached to things that are done and over. Wishing you nothing but happiness. x I hope I'll be ridiculously blinded in love and happiness again. One day, someday.    
Here, I will try my best to write down every single detail of the dreams that I could remember... and this post will be something I'll look back and laugh at, or... even seek inspiration from (who knows, I might have a award-winning film idea HAAAA).
9 July 2014
I couldn't remember the front part, but I think it was Watchdogs-ish? Anyway, I later found myself to be sailing/surfing at high speed on a water-based expressway from a city to another, and I remember seeing really technologically advanced architecture from afar, judging from how well-lit (I think they used fluorescent light everywhere, so the city felt even more cool-toned, especially with the water-driven transportation method to their city).
(I guess deep down I really wanted to learn how to sail/surf, but my lack of swimming experience and phobia of deep waters just kind of stops me in real life, which might have explained my superpower self doing that in the dream).
Later on, when we have arrived at the city (yes, apparently I was travelling with a group, and I found out later that it was a mixture of AY 13/14 and AY 14/15's DSC maincomm and some subcomms... which I was surprised???), we were split up into smaller groups to embark in a lost city exploration (you get it, people travel in threes, venture into abandoned areas or buildings, meet things, yada-yada...) as part of our camp itinerary (what even ???).
I remembered Esther being the leader of the whole thing (duh), so she was guiding us and telling us our groupings to facilitate. To my weirdest (probably pleasant too) surprise, I was being placed with Ruse (and some other girl which I've never seen before, but she's apparently in DFT too). I felt a little displeased because it was biased??? It was due to the fact that probably everyone knew about Ruse's and my closeness and I felt that it might affect my judgement as a leader (and we might end up being too intimate anyway). In the end, I brushed this aside, told myself that it was a blessing since we could end up entertaining ourselves better as we step foot into a pretty secluded and ... eerie building.
The groups proceeded on, and we've finally reached the bottom of the building. Though it looks dodgy as hell, a coffee shop was actually set up there... and NORMAL food were sold (wow hahaha). Nasi Lemak, Chicken Rice, etc - your typical hawker centre food. In the end, I've decided to get char kway teow from a tzi char stall, and the auntie actually asked me if I wanted to purchase a turtle/terrapin with my char kway teow. "WHAT" - that was exactly what I've thought in my head (in the dream, wow mindception). I kindly declined only to have the auntie passing me a live terrapin and asking me to have it for free since she had too many of them (and I assumed that business is either really bad from how run-down the building looks OR nobody in the right mind would probably add a cooked turtle in their food unless ... well, it's turtle soup or porridge).
After getting our food, we proceeded up to the building, where we explored. I remembered the staircase was really narrow and low-rise, so everyone ended up having to go one by one and even to the extent of bending slightly downwards. It was dust-ridden, and smelled really stale, almost like an unused store room.
- End of what I could remember -
I woke up at this part. OH WELL.
10 July 2014
I think I was with some Kakis, since I vividly remembered Jolene beside me for most of the time. I couldn't remember the front details, but we were probably held captive in a concrete maze, and we were trying to get out with many other civilians or people who were trying to escape too.
From what I could remember, we were fighting off some clawed Mask Ridersque enemy soldiers, and being a unskilled coward that I am, I could only fend their attacks off with a melee weapon (I think it was a dagger or machete) and by having the doors shut really tightly so the incoming enemies couldn't enter from the entrance. It was so scary though, being able to see their aggressive stances right outside the door since it had a clear glass panel. One of our team buddies managed to crucify one of the clawed enemies against the wall ... and despite looking morbid, I didn't really have any fear - in fact I was comforted by the fact that the threat was gone, and that I would rather sacrifice that person - a person with a heart and soul - in place of my friends' safety. (I think that is how war works - you have an overwhelming desire to protect your own people and territory that you wouldn't relent one bit to kill off whoever is threatening you).
We left the pentagon-shaped concrete room, and to our horror we were captured again by some enemy officer, where we were forced on our knees as we formed rows in queue - almost like an execution edition of Russian Roulette, a sick and twisted game that these dark souls revel in.You could almost smell the impounding fear from the waiting victims, while an incoming row of people kneeled down before a cool, muscular (she actually looks like Olga from MGS) female enemy soldier at the "shooting range". I was sick to the guts; disgusted and fearful of my upcoming final chapter of my life. Is this how I'm going to die?
She took her time pacing up and down the row, as her cold gaze pierced through each pair of fearful eyes. Immediately, without looking, she chose her target and lifted up her handgun, and triggered it to a girl's chest (I'm not too sure if she was being kind or sadistic, since she shot the girl slightly below her heart). The girl was struggling and being dragged away by her teary-eyed comrades as they were being released.
Came another row, "bang", the cycle goes on.
Soon, she seemed bored, and to our horror, she lifted and pressed her handgun's barrel hard against a girl's forehead. The girl was literally shaking and you could see her eyes widened so much with fear. All of the captives gasped and some cried - that included me. I pressed my head towards Jolene, because I didn't want to watch an innocent party's brain get blown. The female soldier snickered, and she fired a shot. SHE MISSED IT! SHE SHOT IT ABOVE THE CAPTIVE'S HEAD. They ran away immediately after that, as my row was dragged to their game area.
This time, she pointed out the barrel towards us and paced up and down, which made me almost shit my pants (no joke). She then gave a sweeping signal, and her soldiers subordinates let us off. I was almost in disbelief - how could she even let us go without even inflicting any damage?
Questions aside, we escaped as fast as we could. Jolene and I were one of the last few to leave the area, and in my curiosity, I turned my head around to see what she was up to. She snickered again, and moments later, I felt a piercing pain on the left mid-section of my back. Like a typewriter punches a full stop at the end of a sentence, she shot a bullet at the end of my life. Suddenly, I was gasping and losing my consciousness, as Jolene and our other comrades kept shouting for my name. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel...
- - -
I WOKE UP.
What a spoiler. I wished I could have kind of stayed in the dream if it wasn't for the ultra realistic simulation of the bullet's damage that woke me up. I really felt the sore and piercing pain in my back... and I wasn't sure if it was a pure coincidence from a bad sleeping posture or it was just a sensory reflex from my brain signals.
But it was a good one. Good job brain, for being so darn imaginative.
     
Hi. I'm finally back to this blog after god knows how many eons.
Been feeling the urge to express my most intimate feelings and reciting my life poetry to the whole world (wow.) so here i am, back on this self-expression godsend.
Finally had the chance to shoot and document our latest redesign concept project. It was really fun working with my group! Really entertaining bunch of peeps (and Sarah is constantly the bullied one of the group which makes it really funny)!
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Been quite a hard and weird start to this semester, after fucking up so much 'cos of depression and personal issues. it was really, really hard for me to "restart" and be back on track smoothly like in Year 1, nevertheless i think i'm ... doing quite okay. i hope.
i need to revisit my life goals and interests though, it seems i'm losing my fire in lots of things, well after i've started losing people and motivation in my life. shall not go into it 'cos fuck feelings.
honestly, i don't even know why i'm still alive sometimes; some days you just feel like a mere waste of space even though you know you've done some contributions to a friendship, school assignments, whatever.
being someone who's constantly struggling with self-worth and depression, i really miss having someone to encourage me and make me feel good and wanna make things work. i miss having someone to revive my dead heart and ignite passion in things i'm fighting for; always letting me know he/she've got my back.
i guess this is the painful part of growing up. you realise you don't even care if you miss a day of school, simply because your friends might not notice, and there's really nothing - nothing for you to look forward to.
back in secondary school days though, missing a day in school felt so shitty because you'd miss a day to interact with your friends and those meant everything to me.
maybe i really have to start growing up, and learning how to be comfortably alone. it's a tough pill to swallow, but i guess i'll be able to take it.
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 I am so tired of staying strong. It's been such a long while since i've had so much thoughts accumulated in me, and it seems like keeping them in isn't helping me; an internal explosion is bound to occur. I can't believe how silly I was to describe myself as 'chearful' during elections day. Other than the intended pun that it sounded like 'cheerful' and people always deem me to be the 'positive' and 'sweet' girl, I never was able to convince my soul about that superficial 'positive' vibe that I somehow (and have no idea how) exude. Wtheck. I'm totally flabbergasted. Chearmin, why are you such a joke. Also, it seems that my willpower have spiralled to an all-time low, and by that - I REALLY MEAN IT. I literally want to give up on assignments, tasks, responsibilities, education, including myself. I find it so hard to even stay strong anymore. I'm hitting the rocks and I'm dying. My very ounce of soul wants to cry and scream 'ENOUGH OF THIS, I JUST WANT TO STOP'. But no, life and time just goes on and on and on. It waits for no man, and I might just be eliminated from the race soon enough. I feel so disgusted even writing about good points about myself. Please take this pain from me... I'm so tired from this eternal race. I... might just slip and fall away.  It's alright though, I've always been a person to embrace sadness; being sad once in a while is normal, it's a human thing, just don't overdo it and it'll be fine. But when you've been convincing yourself for too long to be positive and happy that you are nearly bought over by it, then bam - back to square one: sadness season (haha silly me). I don't wanna sound too desperate even though my heart's desperate to tell, but... i'll keep it in. It probably wouldn't even matter anyway, will it? We have gone this far and turning back wouldn't be a good thing. I'll just take my time to embrace this sadness, move on again, stop for a little while for the sadness stop again, then move on again. doing this should benefit me for now until i no longer have to stop for the same sadness ever again. After all, we are only human. We have to embrace that fragility in us. *This were rants a week ago but, this issue might still bother me* This just got me thinking. Honestly, I don't even know what a real family should feel like. I don't mean having a comfortable roof over your head, getting sufficient daily allowance and having free meals whenever I'm with the family. I'm talking about the essence of it, the values, the conversations we share, etc. It apparently seems like my family (including myself) fall into the 'needs provided' category. There's not much interactions (except some times when i get to talk to my mum about world affairs and finding how our relatives are doing, or when me and my brother get to play rounds of games together). Everyone is kinda separated, due to busy schedules (i'm guilty of that), school, work or negative emotions. Also, it turns out that i can't confide too much in my family because since young, my brother always send my secrets of liking a guy or having a boyfriend to my mum, and i'm pretty sick of that. That's why i turn to friends. I'm a sucker for good and trustworthy friends. Friendships make such a big part in my life, despite me being such an ass and giving up a few wonderful friendships while i was attached or in a relationship, all because i believed that romance would stand stronger than friendships (well proven wrong a few times & never gon' be bitten again). I just hope I would be a better parent and be much more involved with my kid, not only financially and physically supporting them, but also emotionally and psychologically. There's nothing better than reaching home from a bad or long day of school or work, and having a warm hug from your parents, then sit down for dinner while we start on our daily conversations and sharings of our day. |